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Sunday, April 7, 2019

Terrifying Infectious Diseases Sweeping Through Area Restaurants

Terrifying Infectious Diseases Sweeping Through Area Restaurants

There is an epidemic of bizarre and frightening maladies taking over restaurants. These illnesses, currently going unchecked by apathetic consumers, can cause dizziness, vertigo, nausea, epilepsy, sever headaches/migraines, and in the worst cases anti-consumerism!
Let's explore the 5 worst...

Screeching Monkey Syndrome

You hated them in the Wizard of Oz, now they are possessing food minions everywhere. Screeching Monkey Syndrome, or SMS, manifests as a frightening and incoherent cry triggered when a hungry victim enters the infected's territory. These cries, once triggered, trickle through all infected causing them to emit a sound similar to our human word 'welcome' followed by complete non-sense. Some infected attempt to resist this 'chorus of despair' by mumbling only to be assaulted by what I assume to be a kind of 'patient zero' known to many as 'manager'.
Places to avoid: Virtually all 'fast food's chains, Five Guys, Fire House Subs, Moe's... Realistically, you can't avoid a condition possessing the unholy power of flight.

Restless Mouth Syndrome

While the rest of us may be victims to restless leg syndrome (particularly in the vicinity of phat beats) a startling number of 'food service associates' have fallen prey to Restless Mouth Syndrome. RMS is the uncontrollable need to strike up a conversation when one should be shutting the hell up and taking my order! Some victims are so exhausted by their verbal infirmity that they have to sit down at the table with their neglected customers whilst they vent about their entire life - musing over their every bad decision while presenting themselves as the victim.
Places to avoid: Applebee's, O'Charlies, Waffle House, Huddle House

Exponentially Accelerating Mouth

EAM is an intermittent condition that seems to be tied to stress and caffeine. While more pronounced in women this condition can affect men. When EM strikes the victim begins to speak more quickly and at a higher pitch. If allowed to persist the the unwitting subject will not stop talking to take breaths, their speech with accelerate beyond the point of articulation and comprehension, and dogs will begin to experience discomfort. In one informal study conducted by an unnamed Animal Control Technician it was concluded that dogs begin to experience discomfort after 17 seconds and catastrophic cranial emission at 25 seconds. The study showed that EAM was an inhumane method of euthanizing animals but an excellent way to haze the new kennel guy.
Places to avoid: Olive Garden, Cheddar's, Steak n Shake

Czech-Tzeka Virus

Hosts of the Czech-Tzeka Virus refuse to bring guests their checks, even long after the table has all-but been bused and the compulsory offer of desert has been turned down. These unfortunate souls see a reduction in tips, both in the form of smaller tips per party and in the form of fewer parties as tables remain occupied far longer than needed. Other staff, including management, fear contracting this condition more than other as evidenced by their refusal to even come near areas tainted by the infected.
Places to avoid: Virtually all sit-down restaurants can experience an outbreak of this virus from time to time. When left untreated through the use of fire, holy water, or silver this virus can destroy entire shifts. 

Robotic Sociopathic Service Protocols

By far the most devastating condition out there, RSSP or RoboServitude, strips the employee of their thoughts, identity, and free will, reprogramming them into a mindless automaton that claims to find pleasure in serving others. While such pleasure is normally a healthy response when serving the less fortunate (i.e. homeless, victims of criminal acts or disasters, and U.S. Representatives that don't understand how tax breaks work) these soulless servants take pleasure in giving food to people that were simply too lazy to cook for themselves. The worst part of this condition is that it seems to mask the true evil growing from within - the only way to reliably detect this disease is by maintaining eye contact with a possible infected. Should they turn away from your gaze they were not really finding satisfaction in serving you, they were simply following their programming.
Places to avoid: Chick-Fil-A

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